
Hi! I’m so, so, so, so sorry this took so long to write! It’s just, at first, I didn’t realise what you meant, so I saved it in notes. And then when I did realise, I was working in something else but then I completely forgot about it! So yeah, I’m really sorry.
And also, I hope I was right in my interpretation of your request. But regardless, I hope you like it.
~~~~~
Your foot kept up a rhythmic tapping against the legs of your chair as you flipped through a book of lore. With your head propped up by your hand, you blew out a puff of air, the words on the page blurring together before your eyes. Ever since Cas had gone, the fun had gone out of hunting. That’s not to say it was very much fun normally, but now there was nothing to joke about, no laughing and teasing as you researched. Purgatory had changed Dean, and meeting Amelia had changed Sam. And of course, losing Castiel, your boyfriend of several months, had changed you.
He was gone now, and you weren’t going to see him again. You weren’t going to see his smile, or feel his arms around you, or hear the beating of his wings as he appeared in the room, startling everyone by appearing right behind them. You wouldn’t get to see his confused squint again, or make it go away by explaining something.
“Y/N?” You looked up to find Dean hovering nervously over you, having come into your room from his own. A muscle twitched in his jaw, and he couldn’t meet your eyes. “I…I have something to tell you.”
“What’s up?” Even you could hear the dullness in your voice, could feel the absence of laughter. Dean glanced at you and you could see pity etched on his face, along with an immense sadness. You didn’t want him to feel sorry for you, but at the same time, you couldn’t help but feel nervous about whatever he was going to say. As a rule, none of you discussed the past year if you didn’t have to, so whatever Dean didn’t want to say was obviously important.
“Y/N, there’s something you need to know.” You nodded, irritated at his hesitancy. He needed to just say it and get it over with. Dean took a deep breath, before launching into speech. “Well…I’ve been seeing him. Cas, I mean. At first I thought that I was imagining it, but now…”
You sucked in a breath, almost forgetting to release it again. “You what? Are you saying you think he’s back?”
Dean shook his head. “More than think. I know.” You blinked, your eyebrows drawing together.
“But I thought you said he died when you tried to get out of Purgatory,” you said slowly, twisting to look up at him. “Dean,” you said in a warning tone when he didn’t respond. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“I lied, okay?” he exclaimed after a few moments of silence. You shot to your feet.
“What?” Your eyes searched his face, seeing the truth that lay there. “Why?” you whispered, your voice coming from far away. Cas. That was all you could think of.
“Because I didn’t want you to know the truth,” Dean answered.
“What truth? Dean, what’s going on?” you demanded. He looked at you sadly for a minute, almost as if he was trying to work out how to break his news to you.
“Y/N, Cas didn’t want to come back.” You sunk back down into your chair, grabbing onto the back of it, clutching it like a lifeline. It didn’t make sense. Cas, your Cas. He couldn’t have just left you. Dean must’ve made a mistake. Castiel would’ve done anything to make it back, to see you again. Your face must’ve broadcast each of these thoughts, because Dean continued. “I tried, Y/N. We were supposed to make it out together. But at the last minute…he let go.”
“No.”
“I’m sorry, Y/N. But it’s true,” Dean said gently. “But he’s here now. He’s just gone to get cleaned up.”
“Why didn’t he come to see me?”
“I don’t know,” Dean murmured.
“No,” you repeated, desperate carved into your chest. “He wouldn’t do this. He would’ve come straight back. He would’ve wanted to see me again.” Dean stayed silent, watching you with sorrow.
Something in you snapped, as if the thread tying your heart together had come undone. After thinking Cas was gone forever, you’d finally found out that you might get to see him again, only to find out that he apparently had a different agenda. “I need to get out of here.”
“Hey, hey. What are you doing?” Dean asked, reaching out to stop you as you grabbed your duffel bag and began shoving things into it.
“I need to get out, Dean. I need to think some things through.” You caught a glimpse of his worried expression, and your own face softened. “I’ll come back, Dean. And I’ll be careful. I promise. I just need a bit of time on my own. This is…it’s a lot to get my head around.” He nodded, dropping his hand to allow you to continue.
Around 10 minutes later, you were heading out the door. You paused for a moment with your hand on the doorframe, and you turned back to Dean. “Goodbye.” You walked away before he replied, wiping away the stray tears that had managed to escape. You just wished that your goodbye hadn’t sounded so final.
——
You’d been on your own for three days, staying in some crummy motel in a small town. Although you stood out amongst the locals, you figured no one would come looking for you here.
But then you heard the fluttering of wings and you spun around, grabbing your angel blade off the bed as you prepared to fight whoever it was who had come looking for you. But you realised that the eyes in front of you were not cold and calculating, rather they were a deep blue, the kind of blue you could get lost in. You took in the dark hair, the worn lines of the angel’s face. And finally - the trenchcoat. The blade dropped from your hands. “Castiel?”
“Y/N.” He took two steps towards you, pulling you tightly against him. Burying your head against his collarbone, you began to sob. Until now, you hadn’t realised how much grief you’d been carrying. But now that the relief was hitting you, you realised just how dark the past year had been for you.
“How?” It was a simple question, but all that was needed. You pulled away from him, drinking in every line of his face, tracing over the planes of his features with a delicate finger.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “But that’s not important. What matters is that I’m here, with you.” You let your hand fall away from his face, stepping back as if you’d been shocked. “What is it? Have I done something wrong?” he asked in concern.
You clenched your fist, holding back from slapping him. “Are you actually asking me that?” You laughed bitterly before continuing. “You know, I was so glad to see you again that I completely forgot what happened a few days back. You see, Dean came over to me and told me that not only did you choose to stay in Purgatory, but you also didn’t come over to see me when you got back. Instead, you went and took a shower.” Your voice dropped. “Cas, I’ve wanted to see you again for so long. I thought you were gone forever. Do you realise how much it killed me to find out that while I was overjoyed at the thought of having you back, you didn’t even want to say hi?”
“Y/N, it wasn’t like that,” Castiel insisted, reaching out for you.
You shrugged his arm off. “Then what was it like?” He dropped his gaze, shuffling his feet awkwardly.
“I did a lot of bad things before I went to Purgatory. I was the reason Dean and I were able to go there in the first place. I couldn’t face you after that. I couldn’t stand to see you look at me, knowing all the terrible things I caused. And I guess…I guess I stayed in Purgatory because I felt as though I deserved it, that I had to stay there as a penance of sorts.”
“Cas,” you murmured. When he didn’t look up, you tilted his head up so that he was looking straight at you. “Cas,” you repeated, a little firmer this time. “There is no mistake you can make that I won’t forgive you for. And that’s what this was - a mistake. Sure, it was a pretty big one,” you conceded, “but you’re still you. And I love you, mistakes and all.”
“Do you really mean that?” he asked hesitantly. You brushed a kiss against his lips.
“Yes, Cas. I really do.”
~~~~~
Thanks for reading! It’s not my best, because I misread something and then I had to rewrite part of it, and it’s getting late so I just wanted to post it. And I’m really sorry for the lack of updates lately. I had a geography test today and I have to learn two sets of lines, as well as work on several assignments. But I’ll hopefully write some more over the next few days.
AND DID YOU GUYS HEAR?? MISHA COLLINS IS CONFIRMED FOR SEASON 10!!!!!!
Please don’t repost without giving credit.


